2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
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“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
I…do not understand how electricity works.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”