*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Choose your fighter
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Do not levitate over flowers
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo