Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
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People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Tuesday
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Grow up never but we old may grow we
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu