Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.