Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
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Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
58.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
How to make the World Cup more exciting:
Refs are on stilts
The ball screams when kicked
Kissing is legal
1 player gets to use a car
Snakes