[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
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FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: Hello, my name is Vikki and I’m an alcoholic.
Operator: Ma’am, this is AAA.
Me: I know. I’m an alcoholic and now my car is in a ditch.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
2022 appliances: *break within 2 years*
1970s refrigerator: i will outlive u and everyone u love. i am eternal. i am time itself
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead