Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
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Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.