God: you’re a jellyfish.
God: you have no bones.
God: and no brain.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Birth control effectiveness:
Your personality: 100%
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2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
[House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I’m a Dorito artist
WIFE: And I restore used napkins part time
HUSBAND: And our budget is 1.2mil
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you