When he asks for feet pics
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peep davidson
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”