Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
Mistakes were made
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
True statement👍😏😁
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.