Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
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*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED