Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
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I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus