@TheOnion

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

You Might Also Like

@SteveKoehler22

The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.

@jared_ish

I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”

@IamPhartacus

I like my food how I like my erotic asphyxiation: almost enough to kill me but not quite

@perlhack

when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves

@mommajessiec

*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.

@WilliamAder

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

@GianDoh

The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.

@DepecheALAmode

Writing about 2 dinosaurs who hate crime. They make motorcycles & badges from the meteorite that killed their dino buds. Called TriceraCOPS!

@ThaJawn

What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?

@GashleyMadison

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.