Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

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The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?

Of course we’re not.

There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.


I am not “aware” of any “laws” that “forbid” the use of excessive “air quotes” officer “Barnes.”


I like my food how I like my erotic asphyxiation: almost enough to kill me but not quite


when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves


*romantically grabs husband’s face*

I will NEVER stop eating your fries.


What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?


The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.


Writing about 2 dinosaurs who hate crime. They make motorcycles & badges from the meteorite that killed their dino buds. Called TriceraCOPS!


What if the washer has been stealing the socks and we have just been blaming the dryer?


I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.