I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
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If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
The Sun
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener