It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.
how can people flip houses? they’re so heavy
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Me: *breathes* *gains weight*