@ohen39

[birthday party]
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
kid: okay
me: alright, now blow it out

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@BradBroaddus

It really creeps me out the way my neighbor stares at me when I’m looking through her window.

@3sunzzz

[interview at Bass Pro Shops]

So, tell me a little about yourself.

Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!

@neledmax

You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.

@HeyLynnMolly

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

@Home_Halfway

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

@Sophie2078

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

@Honda_954

Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.

@mom_ontherocks

Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.