Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
sounds kinky. i’m in.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*