Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
You can’t rush stupid.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
subtitles are so good nowadays
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY