Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em