Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
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I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
Oh we’ve met.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best