@awkwardenabled

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

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@AndrewNadeau0

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

@Furry_Beaver

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

@MRagaab

You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.

@jasonroeder

When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

@portmanteauface

[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america

@mom_ontherocks

I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.

@darinlovesbacon

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

@RamblingMachine

If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.

@maybetomhanks

god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go