Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

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ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.


Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.


You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.


When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.


[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]

Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work

[third snooze button]

Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower

[tenth snooze button]

What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america


I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.

But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.


I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments


If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach.


god created the midwest so ur internet crushes could always be 10,000 miles away no matter where u go