Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
the pigeons are already plenty salty
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.