6: Dad, did you used to be a cop?
Me: No, why do you ask? Is it because I’m cool under pressure and demand your respect?
6: No, I found handcuffs under your bed.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
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Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20
“Got a dog.”
Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?
“Had a baby.”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier.
*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.
When a cop asks if you know why they pulled you over, smile, take their hand in yours and say, “Sounds like somebody needed a friend”