@awkwardenabled

Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten

Anyway, thought of you

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@prodigal_bran

6: Dad, did you used to be a cop?

Me: No, why do you ask? Is it because I’m cool under pressure and demand your respect?

6: No, I found handcuffs under your bed.

@NefuDaBoss

Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20

Me: What

@liv_thatsme

“Got a dog.”

Me:WHAT BREED? WHAT COLOR? WHAT’S HIS NAME? HOW BIG ARE HIS PAWS? IS HE A GOOD BOY? DOES HE SNUGGLE?

“Had a baby.”

Me: cool.

@FrazzleMyGimp

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

@JordanRowes

3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then

@3sunzzz

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

@SkippyMcGizzard

Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.

*Mr. Miagi on Twitter

@Stonekettle

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

@Carbosly

Being a hacker in the ’80’s was way easier.

*shakes vending machine until chocolate bars falls.

@bridger_w

When a cop asks if you know why they pulled you over, smile, take their hand in yours and say, “Sounds like somebody needed a friend”