*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
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Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
Breaking news:
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display