@trojansauce

*bites into tuba sandwich and breaks teeth* damn autocorrect

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@nutsaremixed

Gangnam style!

But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning

@Holy_Mowgli

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

@robfee

Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid.
*Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger*
Get off my lawn before I call the cops

@philco816

*hands stranger a condom

S: I don’t need this

Me: Yes, you do. I saw the way you pulled out of your driveway. Your pull out game is weak

@AGreaterMonster

Hair growing from my ears and nostrils doesn’t mean I’m getting old, right? Means I’m turning into a werewolf! Right?

@McFluffy537

I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.

@stephenjmolloy

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

@Ygrene

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

@emosinger

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”