Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
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Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit