*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
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[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.