@tehaveragejoel

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

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@KateWhineHall

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

@Jason_maybe

Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?

Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for

Netflix: Oh ok

Me: No I mean put it on

@TylerLinkin

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

@AimeeHelene1

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

@AbbieEvansXO

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

@TheSweetestD_

Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.

@Ideal_Victoria

Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!

Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*