Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
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How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*