*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
You Might Also Like
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
it was love at first sight
Growing up was a huge mistake
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”