*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
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If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.