Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss