[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
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How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
I have written yet another poem about laundry
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat