*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
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Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT
#damn
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
12653.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again