Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
A small tragedy.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?