Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
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[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I gave all the neighborhood kids at the summer block party a whistle and was immediately asked to leave. That was easy.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”
im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me