Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
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“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
My beach vacation Google searches
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening