@Scorpio1080

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

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@PhilJamesson

me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes

@noog

[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”

@Jimboleem

My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’

@Parkerlawyer

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

@rolldiggity

Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.

@Sal0630

A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.

@HomeProbably

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

@Tiim_____

we’re in Quarantine so the government can change the batteries in all the Birds. you ever seen a baby pigeon ? didnt think so