Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

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me: but “greetings” is a greeting

jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes


[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”


My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.

On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’

On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’


So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.


Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.


A graham cracker is just a white dude selling coke in the ghetto.


I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.


we’re in Quarantine so the government can change the batteries in all the Birds. you ever seen a baby pigeon ? didnt think so