Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Fries, not lies.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!