People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.
Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.
Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?
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People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.
what do i do next
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-