My LonelyFans: I’m so desperate for friends it’s free to join but you have to pay an exorbitant fee to unsubscribe.
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”
Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”