@envydatropic

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

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@LoveNLunchmeat

People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.

And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”

@hazelmotes1

Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.

@Not_The_Rule

Who called it a pillow fight and not assault with a bedly weapon?

Thanks for following.

@Jason_Horton

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

@aalicesayss

If God wanted us to go METRIC Jesus would’ve had 10 disciples not 12.

@JaySuch

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

@Browtweaten

Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?

Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys

Me: Tell me WHY

Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake

@Kendragarden

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

@roxiqt

ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.

GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.

ANGEL:

GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-