@envydatropic

Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy

You Might Also Like

@FeralFerrell

My LonelyFans: I’m so desperate for friends it’s free to join but you have to pay an exorbitant fee to unsubscribe.

@poutinesmoothie

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

@JustBeingEmma

I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.

@954LeenO

if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.

@skickwriter

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

@ewfeez

Hey girl, are you an obelisk, because I’m trying to learn what an obelisk is through process of elimination

@TheHyyyype

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

@CantWaitToNap

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”