[Invention of the bullet proof vest]
Me: just shoot me, it’s all good
Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.
My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.
Solidifying my black sheep status
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.