black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.