@GrantTanaka

black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow

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@sonictyrant

[Invention of the bullet proof vest]

Me: just shoot me, itโ€™s all good

*single gunshot*

Me: *clutching my leg* the vest, Richard, shoot the vest

@IntrepidDeviant

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

@rachellinfox

Sister posted on FB: pray for me, I have a test tomorrow.

My comment: it’s cheating if Jesus helps you.

Solidifying my black sheep status

@Fickle_Filly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentineโ€™s Day.

@realfunghi

[Terminator Academy]

Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.

Insecurminator: oh no!

@GoodZiIIa

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

@julcasagrande

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

@juliussharpe

If Apple has taught me anything, it’s wait to see the “Steve Jobs” movie until they release a second version.

@ItsAndyRyan

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.