Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
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Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.