@bestvibess

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

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@GrabTheWEness

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

@TheBigBatman

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

@sixfootcandy

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

@dumbbeezie

Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again

@JohnLyonTweets

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

@Tmoney68

Why don’t those badass UFC guys use their fighting skills to defend themselves against terrible tattoo artists?

@Sanbel11

I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.

@rcromwell4

What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?

@TheBoydP

To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…

@robdelaney

Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”