a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
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Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
I can’t be the only one 😂
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber