Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
Ok who’s got my black socks?
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
three things we don’t talk about
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping