Being misunderstood is an art and apparently I should open a gallery.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
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My friend’s crazy, he left a bunch of chocolate balls on the floor in his cat’s litter box, they’re not that good.
If Batman exists, he’s doing a shitty job.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.