[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Me too 😆
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.