Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
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I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.