Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
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[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.