If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
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garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.