Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
You Might Also Like
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?