Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
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[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.