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@TaylorVirtue

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

@TheWadest

FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”

@AnkCoupleTO

Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know

@DallyDoll

My microwave beeps if I don’t open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I’m fat, microwave. I won’t forget there’s food in there.

@shatty48

Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.

@JaimeSamantha

It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.

@sofarrsogud

My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

@rockymomax

[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely

@rockymomax

[me as a doctor]
ME: *delivers baby* congratulations
NEW MOTHER: what is it
ME: it’s a baby idiot