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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.


FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”


Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background

Don’t ask me how I know


My microwave beeps if I don’t open the door within 30 seconds of it stopping. I’m fat, microwave. I won’t forget there’s food in there.


Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.


It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.


My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.


Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him


[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely


[me as a doctor]
ME: *delivers baby* congratulations
NEW MOTHER: what is it
ME: it’s a baby idiot