Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
You Might Also Like
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My girlfriend has 206 bones in her body. Now 207.
Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207….
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm