Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
*limbos away from your hug*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola