Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
is this meant to deter me
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand