BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

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Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.


Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.


911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?


Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise


Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you


The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.


Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.


Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist