BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
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I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers