@peteec

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

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@mommy_cusses

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

@Dutch_50

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

Me: I’m being chased

911: in your car?

Me: no in theirs

911: wh—

Me: how do I turn the sirens on?

@skedaddle74

Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise

@gamingheroritz

Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you

@NervousJr

The same woman who said “I’m your mom not your friend” has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.

@Havish_AF

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

@NicestHippo

Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist