I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I’ll forget it. Like ‘pick up milk,’ ‘go to bank,’ ‘you don’t hate minorities.’
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
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[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.