@ShortSleeveSuit

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

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@TheFearBoners

I have to put reminders in my phone for everything or I’ll forget it. Like ‘pick up milk,’ ‘go to bank,’ ‘you don’t hate minorities.’

@momjeansplease

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

@Darlainky

The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.

@RickAaron

It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.

@3sunzzz

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

@melibuff

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

@DrDogMD

DR DOG: The vasectomy was a success. But until it’s healed completely, you’ll need to wear this *places cone around patient’s neck*

@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

@TwinSurvivalist

[2025]

Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.