Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
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Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth