My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
You Might Also Like
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
How do you like your Corgi?
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
Breaking news:
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.