Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not

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Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”


[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]


Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.


*Looking to buy a house*

ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.

REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…

ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?


me: [waking from coma] how long was I out

doc: two years, but I have terrible news

me: what

doc: it’s still March


me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?


DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”


7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.


I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips