Writer: “Is it ‘firsthand’ or ‘first hand’?”
Editor: “Either one is fine.”
Blah blah blah employee handbook, just get to the point where you say if you’re gonna drug test me or not
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[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Dear XBOX Kinect
If I wanted to use my
whole body to play
sports, I’d play sports.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
doc: it’s still March
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
I’m old enough to remember being the tv remote.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips