Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
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Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
This made me chuckle cuz mood
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
when there are deer in the woods
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime