@TigNotaro

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

- @TigNotaro

You Might Also Like

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@relatabledad

no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct

@blazed_ncis

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

@Soo_Scandalouss

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..

@Izianikapani

Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?

@tabsickle

She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.

@_elvishpresley_

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

@Darlainky

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

@amydillon

“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.