@TigNotaro

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

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@BackrowSeats

Some people might find a grown man talking to himself strange, & it’s probably the couple sitting next to me.

@AnOrangeSNES

If you read into something enough, it can be offensive.

I like puppies

@KrissiBex

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

@ArfMeasures

JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free

ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY

@TheAlexNevil

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

@AllieA

My boss just sent me the heart eyes emoji. Since we’re clearly being honest with each other I replied with a monkey with a gun to its head.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Watching my mom use an iPhone is like watching a 12 year old girl try and contact her dead grandma on a Ouija board.

@Steve_hamiltin

How’s everyone holding up ? It’s crazy out there. I’ve killed at least 15 zombies already !! Why are they all carrying candy ?