[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
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People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Your secret is safeish with me
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
subtitles are so good nowadays
yeah 😭
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car